BONUS – When Unkindness Meets the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress
How Psychological Flexibility and Conscious Growth Transform Hurt into Love
Author’s Note: A Sunday Bonus Reflection
Sundays invite us into a quieter rhythm—a pause before the week ahead. It feels like the right moment to share this bonus essay; one that sits at the intersection of psychology, neuroscience, consciousness, and the Great Work of being human.
We all know the sting of unkindness, often from those closest to us. Yet as psychologist Steven C. Hayes reminds us, our willingness to turn toward pain rather than away from it can transform the trajectory of our lives. Modern neuroscience confirms this truth: each decision to pause, reflect, or meditate strengthens the brain’s capacity for resilience, compassion, and clarity. Or, as U.S. Andersen wrote in Three Magic Words (1954), we can learn to “uproot negative mental prompters” and choose anew.
Here, I explore how psychological flexibility and the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress offer a path for softening rigidity, healing wounds, and rediscovering love.
Consider this a Sunday contemplation on pain, growth, and the possibility of love as the only enduring answer.
The Familiar Face of Unkindness
We have all felt it—the sting of unkindness. It arrives in many forms: the sharp words from a loved one such as “Why are you talking to me?” The cold silence of a friend. And the dismissive glance that cuts deeper than speech ever could. What makes these moments so painful is not only their occurrence but their proximity. Often, those who wound us most are the very people we trust to hold us with care: family, partners, friends, colleagues.
Why is this so? Why do people, particularly those closest to us, slip into patterns of harshness, cruelty, or indifference? And is there a path by which they might soften, heal, and grow?
I believe there is. It begins with what psychologist Steven C. Hayes, the originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), calls psychological flexibility. In his 2016 TEDx talk Psychological Flexibility: How Love Turns Pain into Purpose, Hayes argues that our willingness to turn toward difficult thoughts and feelings, rather than run from them, determines the trajectory of our lives. His phrase is simple yet radical: “Love isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.”
This is not sentimentality. It is personal accountability. It is the recognition that our deepest wounds and our highest callings are inseparably bound. And here is where I believe the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress (MPGP) extends Hayes’ insight. For while psychological flexibility allows us to stand with our pain in love, the MPGP offers a framework for transforming that posture into lasting growth—for the individual, the family, and ultimately the world.
The Question Life Asks
Hayes opens his talk with a piercing observation:
“Life asks us questions. And probably one of the most important questions it asks us is, ‘What are you going to do about difficult thoughts and feelings?’”
This question confronts us daily. When shame rises, when anxiety surges, when anger flashes, life asks again: What now? Our answers, Hayes notes, determine whether our lives spiral toward despair or ascend toward freedom, love, and contribution.
Most of us answer poorly. We fight, flee, or freeze. Some choose to numb their pain with substances, lash out at others, or collapse into despair. Despair that often impacts the physiology in big and small ways; and occasionally in visibly lasting ways. Hayes describes his own spiral into a panic attack, recounting sleepless nights where he mistook panic for heart failure, terrified and humiliated. At one point, lying on a shag carpet in the middle of the night, convinced he was dying, Hayes heard a voice within himself declare:
“You can make me hurt. You can make me suffer. But I’ll tell you one thing you cannot do. You can’t make me turn from my own experience. You can’t do it.”
This moment became a vow: Never again. I will not run from me.
That vow is the seed of psychological flexibility: the decision to stand with one’s own experience, however painful, rather than fleeing from it. Because, let’s face it, no matter how far one runs, the pain remains. No purchase, no expensive trip, no fleeting distraction can erase it. Eventually, when the bags are unpacked and the lights are off, the pain is still there—waiting to be acknowledged. As Ram Dass once observed: “Wherever you go, there you are.” And as a dear mentor reminded me: “Pain is both patient and persistent.” Address it we must, if we are to grow beyond it.
Modern neuroscience confirms this truth: choosing to turn toward pain initiates measurable change in the brain. Each time we pause, reflect, or meditate, we strengthen neuronal pathways that support calm, clarity, and compassion, while weakening the old circuits of fear and reactivity. As U.S. Andersen suggested in Three Magic Words (1954), we “uproot negative mental prompters.” Over time, the prefrontal cortex grows more capable of quieting the amygdala; the hippocampus integrates memory with greater ease; and the Default Mode Network loosens its grip of rumination. The result is not abstract but lived: less reactivity, greater resilience, and deeper connection. In short, deciding to undertake the work of change alters not just one’s outlook, but one’s very brain.
Unkindness as Inflexibility
When pain is left unaddressed, it rarely stays silent; instead, it hardens into patterns of unkindness, spilling outward into the very relationships where love is most needed.
Now let us turn to the question of unkindness more directly. Why do people treat others poorly, especially those whom they profess to love? Often it is not because they are inherently cruel but because they are rigid. They exhibit what Dr. Carol Dweck, in her best-selling book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (2006), refers to as a “fixed mindset” rather than a “growth mindset.”
Bound by this disposition and unwilling to actively and consistently undertake the work of change, their pain becomes unbearable and so they project it outward. Instead of turning toward their wounds with compassion, they weaponise them. Here, I am reminded of a phrase I learned during my sojourn through Atlanta: You cannot kick a dog who has been loyal and expect it to remain so. At some point, it will depart never to return.
Some, when confronted with the need for self-examination, deflect by declaring: “I am not trying to change you. So stop trying to change me.” On the surface, this sounds like self-possession, but in reality it is often a strategy of resistance—a refusal to engage with the very growth that life inevitably requires; dare I say demand. Such resistance is not neutrality; it is retreat. As I often share in my talks: “If you choose to stand still while others are moving forward, you have effectively chosen to retreat.” Evolution itself is motion-based, even at the mental and spiritual levels. To resist growth is to resist self-realisation.
In this sense, unkindness is the social face of psychological inflexibility. It is what happens when individuals refuse to confront their own suffering—that is, their shadow. Rather than saying, “I will not run from me,” they run from themselves into the safety of control, judgment, or domination. The result is pain multiplied—both for themselves and for those around them.
This is where the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress becomes essential: it offers a scaffold for moving from rigidity to openness, from weaponised pain to healing presence, and from unkindness to love.
The MPGP recognises this pattern and offers a path through it.
Traversing the MPGP: From Rigidity to Growth
The Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress is a six-tier developmental scaffold that charts how human beings can move from constriction to expansion, from hurt to healing, from unawareness to integrated growth. When mapped onto Hayes’ concept of psychological flexibility, it offers a detailed process for transforming unkindness into love.
Tier I: Recognition of Inner Terrain
The journey begins with recognition. Here, the individual faces their inner reality with honesty: the shame, the fear, the anger, the pain that has long driven their actions. Rather than projecting or suppressing, they acknowledge: This is what I feel. This is where I hurt. Recognition opens the door to the possibility of change. To turn toward oneself in this way is the first gesture of the Great Work.
Tier II: Stability through Practice
Recognition alone is insufficient; stability must follow. Meditation, mindfulness, and other practices provide the grounding necessary to face difficult emotions without collapsing into them.
Here the Transcendental Meditation technique is invaluable. By establishing the nervous system in a state of restful alertness, meditation builds resilience—the physiological counterpart of psychological flexibility. This is where the unkind person begins to gain room around their impulses. Maharishi referred to the process as “weatherproofing.” This steadiness forms the ground upon which growth can unfold. Stability is not the end but the support that allows us to continue. To return, day after day, to inner stillness is to lay the foundation stones of the Great Work.
Tier III: Constructive Engagement
At this tier, the individual learns the art of responding rather than reacting. Old patterns—harsh words, dismissive gestures, or cold silences—begin to dissolve into more deliberate, measured responses. The cultivated calmness gained through regular practice of Transcendental Meditation creates a junction point of silence between stimulus and reaction. Within that silence, reaction is transmuted into response.
In that moment—often only a fraction of a second—there is a choice. Both the individual making the choice and the recipient of the response benefit when the selection is guided by life-affirming possibilities. Over time, confidence grows through the steady practice of pausing, staying out of the way of impulse, listening, discerning, and then acting on the ideas that serve life and connection.
As Dr. Steven Hayes describes it, this shift is the ability to “look at your thoughts, not just from your thoughts.” That space is what allows true choice. Unkindness thrives on immediacy. Flexibility thrives on pause. The MPGP teaches that constructive engagement is precisely this practice: pausing long enough to choose love over harm.
Tier IV: Relational Growth
As flexibility deepens, relationships are transformed. The individual begins to perceive the humanity of others not as a threat but as a mirror. In this recognition, empathy naturally emerges, and forgiveness becomes possible.
Dr. Steven Hayes experienced such a breakthrough while leading professional workshops. Waves of uncontrollable emotion surfaced, and he realised they belonged to his eight-year-old self—curled under a bed, listening to his parents fight. By embracing that wounded child, Hayes reconnected with the very purpose that had guided him into psychology.
I believe this principle extends further. When we turn toward the wounded child or teenager within, our healing does not remain confined to the present. As Michael Talbot suggests in The Holographic Universe (1992), consciousness is not bound by linear time. Healing in the present appears to ripple both forward and backward, touching the very moments of wounding that gave rise to our pain. In this sense, compassion toward ourselves today reverberates through what we call “the past.”
Similarly, Tier IV of the MPGP invites the unkind person to see how their own woundedness shapes their treatment of others—and how tending to that wound allows for deeper, more authentic connection.
Tier V: Integration of Purpose
Once love softens the sharp edges of pain, purpose begins to emerge. For Dr. Hayes, it was the vow to never again silence his inner child’s plea to “do something.” For those traversing the MPGP, Tier V is the point where actions come into alignment with values. No longer driven by reactivity, the individual chooses behaviours that reflect compassion, respect, and genuine contribution.
At this stage, unkindness diminishes because life itself now points in a different direction. One has looked honestly into the mirror and committed not to wishful change without action, but to embodied transformation. To stare into the abyss of one’s own heart and to work—through being and doing—to grow better for all concerned: this is the essence of purpose integrated. This, ultimately, is part of the Great Work.
Tier VI: Perpetual Growth
The developmental cycle never ends. Each encounter with suffering becomes an invitation to deepen love. Each moment of unkindness—whether received or expressed—becomes an opportunity to re-enter the cycle of recognition, practice, engagement, growth, and integration.
This is perpetual growth: not perfection, but continual unfolding. The work takes place in the hidden chambers of the heart and mind, where silence confronts shadow. Yet to be and to do better, the work must not be deferred. Left undone, pain hardens; the repeatedly kicked dog retreats into silence, never to return.
Here lies the essence of the Great Work—not a destination of flawless completion, but the lifelong discipline of returning, again and again, to love.
Love as the Fulcrum
Hayes’ closing words ring like a bell: “Because love isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.”
Love is not an ornament added to life once everything else is secure. It is the posture that makes life itself possible. Love is what allows us to turn toward pain, to stand with ourselves in compassion, and to extend that compassion outward.
The MPGP agrees: love is the energy that powers the cycle of growth. Without it, recognition collapses into self-pity, practice into rigidity, engagement into manipulation, relationships into dependency, purpose into ambition, and growth into exhaustion. With it, each tier flows into the next, carrying the individual into ever-widening circles of integration.
Conclusion: The Gentle Revolution
Unkindness is not destiny. It is not a fixed trait but a rigid response to unacknowledged pain. By cultivating psychological flexibility, as Hayes demonstrates, and by traversing the MPGP, as the model makes possible, individuals can soften rigidity, transform pain, and rediscover love.
This is not an abstract hope. It is a lived reality. Hayes’ vow—“Never again. I will not run from me”—mirrors the promise of the MPGP: that growth is always possible, that love can always return, that progress is perpetual.
In a world fractured by unkindness at every scale—from the household to the political arena—the gentle revolution we need is not another ideology but a turning inward, a willingness to face pain with love. From there, the spiral carries outward, transforming relationships, communities, and societies.
The work begins in the smallest of moments: when life asks us, What will you do with this pain? And the answer, when spoken from the heart, is always the same: Love.
Epilogue: From Self to Society
What is true of the individual is also true of society. Just as people resist self-examination, clinging to distraction or defensiveness, so too do communities, institutions, and nations. Our collective unkindnesses—systemic inequities, political hostilities, cultural divisions—are often the social face of wounds we refuse to acknowledge together. A society that says, “Do not try to change me,” mirrors the individual who retreats from growth. But the law of evolution does not pause—for anyone or any society. So, to stand still in the face of necessary change is to retreat.
Here, I believe, the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress also applies. Societies, not unlike individuals, must begin with recognition—the courage to name what is broken. They must then cultivate stability through practices and structures that restore resilience. They must learn constructive engagement—to pause before reacting, to choose dialogue over domination. From there, relational growth becomes possible, as empathy and forgiveness replace cycles of harm. With healing, societies too can reach integration of purpose, aligning laws and institutions with values that honour dignity and foster contribution. And, finally, they must embrace perpetual growth: the discipline of returning again and again to love, knowing the work of renewal never ends.
If love is the fulcrum for the individual, it must also be the fulcrum for the collective. The gentle revolution begins within, but it cannot end there. The same courage that allows us to face the mirror of our own pain must empower us to face the mirrors society holds up: history, injustice, inequality, fear. Only then can we grow not just as persons, but as a people.
Suggested Practice Box
Reflection Exercise: Turning Unkindness into Love
Recall a recent moment where someone’s unkindness wounded you. Rather than replaying the hurt, ask: What pain might this person be running from?
Now turn inward. Ask yourself: What in me still longs for recognition, compassion, or love?
Write for ten minutes about how you might bring flexibility—rather than rigidity—into the next interaction with that person.
Optional: End with five minutes of meditation, allowing whatever feelings arise to be held in silence.
Collective Reflection: Expanding the Lens
Identify a social issue or tension you see in your community, workplace, or nation that feels marked by unkindness or rigidity.
Using the MPGP tiers as a guide, ask: Where is recognition needed? Where is stability missing? What would constructive engagement look like here?
Consider one small action you might take—even as simple as a conversation—that reflects love as the fulcrum for growth.
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Dr. Baruti KMT-Sisouvong is a consciousness scholar, executive coach, and Certified Teacher of Transcendental Meditation® based in Cambridge, Massachusetts. His work—spanning the Model for Perpetual Growth and Progress and the Seven Layers of Manifestation framework—explores how Pure Consciousness, neuroscience, and social systems transformation intersect in the evolution of both the individual and society. Alongside his wife, Mina, he co-directs the Cambridge and Metropolitan Boston TM Program, where they have taught thousands the art and science of meditation.
Extending this mission globally, he is the founder of International Meditation Hour (IMH), an annual worldwide gathering dedicated to experiencing the unifying power of silence in a time of division, precarity, and technological upheaval. An author of several forthcoming works on the future of consciousness in an age shaped by technology, he writes and teaches from the conviction that the most important race is not between nations or machines, but between the conditioned mind and the awakening soul. They are the proud parents of four children. To learn more about him, visit: https://www.barutikmtsisouvong.com/.